Time for your bloodbath, Easyl. Part III

All good movies have three acts. For some the final act brings the joy of completion, like inserting the final few pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. For others, it just brings the relief that this piece of crap will soon be over.

By Sunday's bath I'll be a bloody prune. Let's see what's on.

12pm - Intergalactic Combat
Pretty straight forward, this one. Earthlings battle creatures from another planet. I suspect those creatures from another planet to be human sized but apparently made out of rubber and bubble wrap. I also expect there to be a blonde woman in a miniskirt and boots, and men in tight monochrome jumpsuits waving blasters about. It should be a, um, blast.

2pm - Albert Fish
Now this is a toughy. Is it about a fish called Albert, a guy who's last name happens to be Fish, or is it an instruction to someone named Al to get his rod out? I'd love it to be the last one, especially if it was really all a dirty pun, but I'm going to have to guess:

Albert is an unassuming guy who lives by himself and has a dull office job. One day he finally gets up the courage to ask out his beautiful co-worker - who he has had a crush on for two years - and he gets brutally rejected, to the amusement of everyone else in the office. He decides to end it all in the most clichéd way of all; by jumping off a bridge. Things don't go exactly as planned as Albert is rescued by a passing Mermaid, who magically and sexily turns him into a Merman, and what a Merman! Meanwhile, up on the surface, nobody really notices or cares that Albert is gone. There are some kooky special effects, and it's pretty obvious that all of the underwater scenes are just done with fans, but it is an enjoyable fantasy, with a genuine emotional core.

4pm - The Uncanny
The title is clearly not a complete phrase. What is the missing noun? Maybe that is the mystery of this movie, or maybe the producers just really liked the Uncanny X-Men comics but didn't want to get sued. I'll go for the later and expect to see a story of mutants with strange powers, but much darker and messier than anything the X-Men can come up with. I think tentacles are a pretty good bet, along with extra eyes, and maybe a seven-assed monkey.

6pm - Chain Reaction
Hmmm... I have a feeling this is a science fiction movie with Keanu Reeves and Morgan Freeman. Hopefully I'm wrong and it is a completely different movie, maybe one based on the John Farnham song, Chain Reaction. Actually, now that I think about it, that song has horror movie written all over it:

One shot in a revolution
One drop from a poison pen
One fruit too small and bitter
One tree too proud to bend
One man to start the trouble
One kiss to seal your fate

I got a fever, a fever in my soul
No I don't want to die
Before I get old
It took some time just to bring me here
Nobody's gonna put me down
Do I make myself clear

I've got trouble, trouble in my life
And I've been living
On the edge of a knife
But I don't intend to let you down
I'm gonna give you love
Before I hit the ground

One cruel and callous lover
One blow below the belt
One chance without another
One heart too cool to melt
One kid that needs some action
One link in a chain reaction

Knives, poison, chains, blows below the belt. I'm really looking forward to this now.

8pm - Room 36
Intriguing. The tag-line reads:

Room 35 is nice, Room 37 is a bit drafty but otherwise OK, while Room 36 is a little uncomfortable.

Banned for 17 years, it has only recently been released in its full, uncut glory (although this is not entirely true as this movie is full of cuts; cuts with razors, axes, chainsaws, a very sharp scalpel etc). If there are no graphic torture scenes in this movie I am going to be very disappointed.

10pm - The Silencer
It could be about a gun, but I'm tipping it's about an assassin.

Jack Bradshaw is the popular governor of an unnamed mid-western U.S. state. While publicly espousing moral values and conservative ideals, he secretly spends his nights cruising for young gay men that he uses to fulfil his uncontrollable and often bizarre sexual desires. There is no way, however, that this secret can ever be made public, so when he has done his business with these men, he hands them over to... The Silencer.

11:40pm - A Surprise Screening
I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise by telling you what this one will be about, even if I am full of crap.

Well, that's it for my stupid made-up preview of the Bloodbath Horror Festival in Bristol. It's on at the Cube Cinema this Friday, Saturday and Sunday (November 24-26 2006).

I'll be back soon with some genuine, truthful (but probably still stupid) thoughts on the 15 movies I plan to see this weekend.