Chain Reaction

Director: Olaf Ittenbach
Starring: Christopher Kriesa, Martina Ittenbach, Simon Newby
Production Budget: US$1.5M
Running Time: 103 min
Released: 2006

A dead Raven starts a freak chain of events leading to a prison transport bus crashing in the Rocky Mountains. The prisoners escape, kill the guards, take a doctor hostage and flee into the woods, heading for Canada. En route they stumble across an old homestead, and a young woman 'milking' (by which I mean bleeding) a goat. They break in and find a strange family, who speak nothing but dire old-English, resemble 18th century pilgrims and drink goat's blood. It turns out they are a family of vampires or demons or some-such and things soon turn messy, very messy.

This movie is really, incredibly stupid, and at times hilarious. Made by German director Olaf Ittenbach, it is pretty well directed, the acting is mostly OK - especially considering they are mostly Germans playing Americans - and the dialogue is mostly terrible. The residents of the house are supposed to be speaking old-English, perhaps like the Amish would speak, but it is basically incomprehensible. It's kind of a combination of bad Shakespeare and Yoda. Apart from "Aye, have I", which Martina Ittenbach's character constantly answers to every request, I don't have any particular quotes that I could give, as I didn't write them down at the time (and the internet has failed me, curse you!). But trust me, there are some piss-funny lines in there, as the chuckles throughout the cinema at supposedly serious conversation can attest.

Thou be able to enjoyest much bloodshed. Wherein thine prisoners findest a saw of chain, thou does not know, but byest then hast reason been given over to madness.

Sorry, what I mean is, there is plenty of blood, guts and decapitations. Where the hell the prisoners find a chainsaw in a primitive farm house I will never know, but by that point, reason has already taken a severe beating, and soon gets sawn in two (or possibly twain).

This is apparently one of the less gory of Ittenbach's movies, but since he is considered one of the goriest directors around, there is no shortage. He often works as a special effects supervisor on his own and other director's movies, and it shows. The make-up and effects are really good for such a low budget film - although I suspect IMDB (where I get most of my budget info) might be slightly underestimating the budget - if not, I'm impressed. The battle scenes are fairly short, but highly entertaining.

Oddly, this is like a movie and its sequel all in one. Once the first lot of action concludes, our good doctor is sentenced to prison, and while being transported on a prison bus a dead Raven starts a freak chain of events leading to a... never mind. I guess they just didn't have enough material for a full length movie. And the melodramatic ending is surreal and stupid.

Taken with two or three beers and a few mates, you should have a good time with Chain Reaction (called House of Blood if you are in the U.S.). Aye, didst I.

$$$

The Uncanny

Director: Denis Héroux
Starring: Peter Cushing, Ray Milland, Donald Pleasance
Production Budget: ~US$600,000
Running Time: 89 min
Released: 1977

"Kitty at my foot and I want to touch it"

Peter Cushing brings his unique comic stylings to this trilogy of tales about our fine feathered friends and secret rulers of the Earth, cats. It begins with him visiting a publisher and begging him to publish his book detailing the evils perpetuated by cats around the world. Being a pretty smart guy, he chooses a publisher who is a cat lover, duh. To prove his feline conspiracy theory, he relates a series of far-out feline tales (with plenty of far-out feline tails thrown in for good measure). The first involves an old rich woman who writes a will leaving most of her assets to her dozens of cats, and none to her no-good nephew. The nephew hatches a plan with the maid to kill the woman, destroy the will and take the fortune that is rightfully his (you know, rightfully his because his dad's sister is rich). The cats have other ideas, and things soon turn bloody and people get eaten (there are lots of cats in this one). The second sees a young girl unusual powers move in with her aunt and uncle when here parents die. Her bitchy cousin causes her grief until she and her beloved cat enact a squishy revenge. In the third episode, a famous actor (Pleasance) kills his actress wife in an "accident" and replaces her with a young, pretty, and untalented actress in both his current movie - coincidentally a filmed version of The Pit and the Pendulum - and his bed. But the dead wife's cat has other ideas.

"Kitty ran up and scratched me though my jeans"

British horror studio Amicus was in decline when this movie was made - failing to get adequate funding in the UK, most of the financing and production came from Canada. The Uncanny follows an identical structure to previous Amicus anthologies such as Dr. Terror's House of Horrors (1964) and Tales from the Crypt (1972), which is a downside, as, by 1977 the traditional horror anthology had had it's day - although George A. Romero and Stephen King had fun with the concept in the 80's with the Creepshow movies - and this movie has the feel of a 1960s movie rather than a late 70s one, and probably looked dated when it was made. While mostly a bit silly - cats just aren't that scary - it is saved by some cool scenes, especially in the mass attacks and brutal killings in the first episode, and the surprising and bloody ending of the second.

As a life-long cat hater, The Uncanny didn't change my opinion of cats any, but I'd be interested to see what die-hard cat lovers think of it. Maybe if this movie inspires a few people not to own cats, then the birds, small mammals and allergy sufferers of the world will be thankful. So, as an allergy sufferer, I highly recommend this to all cat owners and would be owners. Everyone else, watch if it's on the telly, and there is nothing better on.

"Fuck you kitty, you're gonna spend the night... outside!" - The Presidents of the United States of America

$$$

Albert Fish

Director: John Borowski
Starring: Oto Brezinn, Derek Hall, Cooney Horvath, Garrett Shriver
Production Budget: Dunno - pretty small
Running Time: 86 min
Released: 2007 - I traveled through time to see it.

This documentary is reminiscent of the types of American 'true crime story' or 'real life detective' shows you get on television. A deep-voiced narrator describes how a criminal was brought to justice, interspersed with recreations of the crimes and interviews with key figures and experts. The only thing that could really distinguish Albert Fish from the hundreds of these shows you get on the Discovery Channel is the criminal himself - Albert Fish, painter, gentleman and child-eater.

While Albert Fish was a deviant of the highest order, into such philias as coprophilia, urophilia and paedophilia, his most noteworthy act - and the subject of a fair chunk of the movie - was the letter he sent to the parents of Grace Budd, a ten year old girl he had abducted and, well, if you really want to know you can read the letter.

"On Sunday June the 3, 1928 I called on you at 406 W 15 St. Brought you pot cheese—strawberries. We had lunch. Grace sat in my lap and kissed me. I made up my mind to eat her." - Albert Fish

The most interesting interviewee in this documentary is Joe Coleman, the man who owns the original Albert Fish letter, and is kind of a fan of Fish. Hilariously, he got the letter by going to the police records office and asking for a copy, and the clerk accidentally gave him the original, which he obviously kept. I'm thinking of doing the same with the Mona Lisa at the Louvre.

So, not overly original, but a well made documentary about an interesting topic, or, if you will, a decrepit piece of filth about a total sicko.

"Is that all you've got" - Allegedly said by Albert Fish after the first jolt of electricity failed to kill him. Also said by Marv in Sin City.

$$$

Intergalactic Combat

Director: Ray Brady
Starring: Gordon Alexander, Elizabeth Tan
Production Budget: ~US$200,000
Running Time: 90 min
Released: 2006

By the same director as Boy Meets Girl but a very different movie, Intergalactic Combat is a movie that sounded great, but disappointed. It has an interesting, if rather juvenile premise. The Earth is invited to submit a team of warriors to an unarmed combat tournament against teams from other planets, with the losing planet destroyed, or something. However, not only do we not get see this intergalactic battle, we don't even get to see the world championships, just the selection trials for the UK team. Like the previously reviewed Dark Intruder, this is actually a T.V. pilot, although not funded by any T.V. station. The plan is for the first season of the series to feature the UK team travelling the world battling against other countries, with the second season concentrating on the interplanetary battle.

The CGI work is pretty basic and the dialogue is terrible, but after all, this is a dumb action film, and the action scenes are pretty well done. I'm not a huge fan of martial arts, unless it is being done by Jacky Chan, but Brady has obviously gotten a pretty decent bunch of fighters together, and the premise works to show off their skills. The characters are interesting enough (big black guy, former world champ coming out of retirement, oriental guy, young girl who learned to fight to get away from bully's, twin's; one good, one bad - that sort of thing) that kids could probably get into it. If made into a series, it would require a much bigger budget (Brady admitted as much at the screening), especially if they intend on having humans battling against CG aliens, which they do.

The main thing that bothered me about this movie was the following quote, taken from the IMDB summary, and featured in the Bloodbath programme.

"An action movie shot in real time that plays out like a shoot-em-up video game. Stunning camera work, complex and always moving. An un-relentless action film that will attract, through word of mouth, all those hooked on gaming on their PC's and drag them back into the cinema auditoriums." - bRAdY

I suppose there is nothing wrong with the director writing his own plot summary, and talking up his "stunning camera work", and the "un-relentless action", however, the phrase "plays out like a shoot-em-up video game" is just plain misleading. As any geek knows, shoot 'em up video games involve a single character or - more commonly - spaceship moving through various levels shooting things up. Intergalactic Combat's real time element involves cutting from character to character as they have battles with a variety of adversaries in different set locations. This is somewhat reminiscent of versus fighting games like Street Fighter II, but certainly bears no resemblance to any shoot 'em up. You need to get your terminology right, Ray! People (like me and the Comic Book Guy) are very particular about this kind of thing. I can assure you, no-one ever recovers from a "Worst. Episode. Ever" put-down, so don't risk it.

"There is no emoticon for what I am feeling!"

As a low-budget pilot for a children's television show in the vain of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, this works. As something I would ever want to see again in a million years, it doesn't.

$1/2

Dark Intruder

Director: Harvey Hart
Starring: Leslie Nielson, Peter Mark Richman, Judi Meredith, Gilbert Green
Production Budget: Small
Running Time: 59 min
Released: 1965

This was originally filmed as a T.V. pilot for a series called Black Cloak. The series was never made, so they released it as a film in an attempt to recoup costs. It is not immediately obvious that this is a T.V. show, but the structure and especially the ending imply something that will be ongoing.

Leslie Nielson plays Brett Kingsford, a playboy in San Francisco in the late 19th century who secretly aids the police in investigations of the occult. The story concerns a series of brutal murders, apparently committed by someone/thing not entirely human. After each murder a strange statuette appears, which slowly mutates, providing the key clue. Assisting the police in matters of the occult does not sit well within Kingsford's peer group, so he takes to wearing disguises when out with the police - although, why he would need a different costume for each meeting belies explanation. Kingsford's eccentricity is established early on, as we are introduced to him, his dwarf butler and has large old house full of secret passages.

"Surely you cant' be serious."
"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley"

This movie was made well before Airplane (a.k.a. Flying High), after which Nielson became typecast (and made millions of dollars) as the deadpan we all knew and loved, and then got sick of - anyone keen on Scary Movie V? It's in production. In this he plays the playboy (or should that just be 'plays the boy') with a knowing glint in his eye. The character is quite similar to Bruce Wayne, in that he is superficially a self-centred nob, but secretly has a deadly serious vocation, which his wealth allows him to pursue.

It's unlikely that many people will get a chance to see this. After five minutes searching the Internet, I couldn't find any information about DVD availability. I guess it's the philosophical question of our time... if it's not available online, does it actually exist.

"Surely there must be something you can do."
"I'm doing everything I can... and stop calling me Shirley."

Maybe it will come on the telly late one night. If so, it's worth a look. It's entertaining enough and you may see Nielson as you have never seen him before - although if you feel that way inclined, Forbidden Planet is a really good early Nielson film.

$$$

Left for Dead

Director: Ross Boyask
Starring: Glenn Salvage, Andy Prior, Adam Chapman
Production Budget: Small, self funded.
Running Time: 105 min
Released: 2004

I enjoyed this movie for the first 20 min, up until the time the DVD screening at Bloodbath crashed. It featured a long and inventive battle scene set outdoors in an industrial area in a fictional UK city; loads of Kung Fu, an assortment of weapons, and splatterings of blood. Once the projectionist sorted out the problems and the rest of the movie screened, I was in for a disappointment. The next 80 minutes feature about 5 minutes of unoriginal storyline (mobster thug decides to retire, boss won't let him, sends other thugs to kill him, they fail, and thug sets about enacting revenge) and the rest wall-to-wall martial arts fighting.

"It becomes quickly apparent that the film's main remit is to screen as many fight sequences as humanly possible, but one can have too much of a good thing and ultimately sometimes less is more" - Bloodbath programme notes.

This may work as a CV padding exercise for the director and performers to show off as many of their skills as possible, but as a movie, I found it pretty boring. Practically the whole thing was just people fighting. While the fight scenes are well choreographed, the overall production values are uninspiring. The Silencer, which was shown the following night, features the same lead (Salvage), and many of the same performers and elements as Left for Dead, and is so much better, thanks to a better story, better production and better direction - my review of this should be up in the next week or so.

This movie is basically a porn movie with martial arts replacing sex. It has bad lighting, bad acting, but will work for those looking for some cheap thrills, in the form of people beating the crap out of each other.

$$

Boy Meets Girl

Director: Ray Brady
Starring: Tim Poole, Danielle Sanderson, Margo Steinberg
Production Budget: under US$100,000
Running Time: 93 min

Boy meets girl, girl drugs boy, girl tortures boy - repeatedly, for 80 minutes. That's about it.

"Sadism: a sexual perversion in which gratification is obtained by the infliction of physical or mental pain on others" - Merrian Webster Online.

This was banned for 8 years in Britain, yet has no sex, no nudity, and very little blood. Ray Brady has admitted that he set out to make a censor baiting film. He researched the main reasons movies had been banned in the previous few years, then added those elements together to create this movie. It seems the censors weren't especially worried by the obvious things above, it was sustained sadism that got them hot under the collar, and Boy Meets Girl has this in spades (or, in rhyming slang, Marquis de Sades*). Sadism, depravity, torture, microwaved hands... it's all there. When the main character is tied to a dentists chair in his underwear for 9/10ths of the movie, you can be sure this is not going to be a romantic comedy.

Boy Meets Girl is remarkably similar to 2006's Hard Candy. In fact, in many ways they are almost identical. A man is drugged, then tied up, and a battle of wills ensues with his captor. The main difference is the motivation of the female character. In Hard Candy, the girl is motivated by revenge against paedophiles, while in Boy Meets Girl, the motivation is pretty much non-existent. She's just a cruel, cruel person.

Oddly, about 20 minutes in, the female character (Steinberg) is rather inexplicably replaced with a completely different woman (Sanderson). It turns out that part way through filming, Brady decided that Steinberg wasn't working out, and replaced her, and rather than re-film the start, he worked this into the script. It's a bit awkward, but understandable given that he was just starting film school and had a very limited budget to work with.

This is an ultra low budget, psychological thriller, with convincing performances. It's uncomfortable to watch, but you will enjoy this if you take pleasure in watching other people take pleasure in the pain of others (which I guess would make you a metasadist). That doesn't make you a bad person, mind.

$$$

*Marquis de Sade, sadism, spades, get it?

Darklands

Director: Julian Richards
Starring: Craig Fairbrass, Jon Finch, Rowena King, Roger Nott
Production Budget: US$750,000
Running Time: 90 min

Darklands follows journalist Frazer Truick as he investigates the mysterious death of the brother of trainee journalist Rachel Morris. Delving deeper, Truick becomes convinced that the tragedy was murder, committed by a bizarre religious cult. But as the evidence unfolds, things take on a more sinister and potentially lethal significance for the reporter, as he becomes embroiled in devil worship, witchcraft and ultimately human sacrifice!

Summary written by Julian Richards

The fact that the writer/director had to write his own plot summary on IMDB sums up the lack of interest in this movie. Just to rub it in, there are no trivia and no goof listings.

"Darklands, a 1996 Welsh horror film." - The complete text of the Wikipedia listing.

This movie will probably never be mentioned without being linked with The Wicker Man, which is a shame. It's not that the films aren't similar, (they are) it's more that mentioning the similarities between Darklands and such an iconic film a) belittles this film, and b) ruins the ending which would otherwise come as a shock. It is perhaps because of this that whereas the ending of The Wicker Man is rather drawn out, the ending here is quick and brutal - perhaps Richards realised that the ending would be widely known beforehand, so there was no point dwelling.

Julian Richards admitted before the screening that he didn't know everything about film-making when he made Darklands, which was released in 1996, and for the DVD release he has re-edited the film, removing 7 min that were either awkward (including taking out a sex scene: who has ever done that voluntarily?) or slowed the first act. This 'director's cut' was what we saw at Bloodbath, and while I have not seen the original for comparison, I was pretty satisfied with this version. After the film, Richards complained that he was forced to use Craig Fairbrass in the main role due to a pre-existing contract Fairbrass had with the financiers. He felt that Fairbrass was not suited to the role, but, even so, I thought he was quite good, and certainly the biggest presence in the movie. The other performances are also pretty good.

While others would complain that Darklands is derivative, there are some original elements which I really liked. One particular scene which I found particularly cool (although it may be just me) was when Truik is filling his car up at a petrol station, when the police arrive. He asks the attendant where the toilets are (cliché), then climbs out the window of the toilet (cliché) and flees through the backyard where he has to scale a barbed wire fence. All clichés up to this point. But then, instead of barely escaping with torn clothing as you'd expect, he gets stuck on the fence, rips his leg open, and gets arrested and taken to hospital. Like I said, cool.

I believe this is the best Welsh horror film I have ever seen.

$$$1/2

Pit and the Pendulum

Director: Roger Corman
Starring: Vincent Price, John Kerr, Barbara Steele, Luana Anders, Antony Carbone
Production Budget: US$200,000 (1961 dollars)
Running Time: 80 min

Roger Corman directed a number of Edgar Alan Poe adaptations in the early '60s, and this was the second - and the second to feature Vincent Price - after House of Usher (1960). Price plays neither the Pit nor the Pendulum, instead taking on the role of Don Nicholas Medina, 16th century Spanish (or possibly Italian, I never quite worked it out) lord and grieving husband. The movie starts with the rather clichéd man rides in carriage to castle, but local carriage driver refuses to get close to the castle so man has to walk the rest of the way scene (also seen in the recently reviewed and much older Nosferatu). The man in question is Francis Barnard (Kerr), Englishman and brother to the recently deceased wife of Nicholas. He insists on finding out the truth about the death of his sister Elizabeth (Steele), while spending some quality time with Nicholas' sister, the lovely Catherine (Anders). Nicholas initially insists that Elizabeth was killed by a blood disease, but things turn a little murky when a local doctor (Carbone) and friend to the Medina's comes to visit, and they admit that she was killed from fright. Or was she? Events begin to get a little darker when we discover that Nicholas' father was in the Spanish Inquisition, and used to hold his 'inquiries' in the dungeon of the castle, and nobody ever bothered to remove the tools of that particular trade.

The mystery evolves throughout the movie, with plenty of twists and surprises along the way, all leading to an excellent shock ending. The castle setting is beautifully realised, especially the dungeon. The performances are fantastic, with Price giving a very subtle performance for most of the film, as the distressed and confused husband, although you get a few glimpses of the wacky and crazy act he was so famous for. Everything works; the scares are scary, the twists are unexpected but 'obvious when you think about it' (the perfect kind of twist, in my opinion) and the tension builds nicely throughout. A class act.

"No one will ever enter this room again" - Catherine Medina

It is worth seeing this movie for that line alone.

$$$$

P.S. I still would like to see Uwe Boll direct an adaptation of Pitfall!, but I guess I'll have to wait until he is done butchering Dungeon Siege.

The Mask of Fu Manchu

Director: Charles Brabin
Starring: Boris Karloff, Myrna Loy, Lewis Stone, Lawrence Grant
Production Budget: US$327,627 (although it was 1932)
Running Time: 68 min

"Will we ever understand these Eastern races?" - Nayland Smith (Lewis Stone)

Boris Karloff plays Dr. Fu Manchu, Chinese intellectual and wannabe ruler of the world. It took him 2.5 hours each day to apply his make-up, which is a valiant sacrifice considering, well, they could have got a Chinese guy to play the part, who could have spent five minutes combing his moustache and looked more convincing. Likewise, his daughter, Fa Loh See is played by all American girl Myrna Loy. Cultural insensitivity aside, this is a thriller; Archeaologist Nayland Smith is kidnapped by the evil Dr. (as opposed to the Dr. Evil), who tries to wring out of him the location of the tomb of Ghengis Khan, the contents of which will allow Manchu to create an Asian superpower which will enslave the world. Lionel Barton (Grant) travels to Mongolia to find Khan's tomb before Manchu does. Once found, Smith attempts to smuggle the relics - a mask and sword - out of the country. Things don't go exactly to plan; people get tortured, drugged, zapped, donged and fed to crocodiles. I guess Dr. Fu Manchu is the original Dr. Evil.

There have been at least ten Fu Manchu movies, based on the novels of Sax Rohmer, and this is considered the best. I don't really have much good or bad to say about this movie, it was just OK. There are some pretty cool special effects for 1932, such as Fu Manchu manipulating static electricity with his bare hands. Karloff has some charisma, and the other leads are perfectly fine in their respective roles. I may not, however, be judging this movie completely fairly. It was late, and I rested my eyes a couple of times before the end.

If you are a Boris Karloff fan you'll want to see his performance, or you could check out the film as an historical curiosity. Otherwise, stick to Flash Gordon and Ming the Merciless - pretty much the same character but less racist, more planetist, and with a kick-arse soundtrack.

$$1/2

The Call of Cthulhu

Director: Andrew Leman
Starring: Matt Foyer, John Bolen, Ralph Lucas
Production Budget: Unknown (v. small)
Running Time: 47 min

A man inherits the notebooks of his great-uncle, in which are detailed an investigation into a strange cult. He becomes obsessed with continuing the investigation, and travels the world searching for clues, becoming more and more frantic as he gets closer to the horrible truth - that there is a big squid demon living on an island in the pacific (kind of a spoiler, I know, but it is on the poster).

H.P. Lovecraft published The Call of Cthulhu in 1928, and while this movie was released in 2005, it is made to look as if it were made at the time the story was published. Produced by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society, this is a fascinating example of budget film-making, and an amazingly well made movie.

The movie was produced in what the makers call 'Mythoscope' - combining modern equipment with old techniques to make the movie appear as though it was filmed in the 1920s. There is no dialogue or sound other than music, and the special effects involve miniature sets, stop motion animation and water imitated by waving sheets. There is no CGI but some green-screen. The attention to detail is such that they even rough up the footage and add silent film flickering in post-production. The music is likewise altered to appear older. While it is unlikely to fool anyone into thinking it was actually made in the '20s - it's still a little new looking - I adore what they have done with it. Rather than attempting to make a low budget film look like a big budget film (like some of the other movies in the festival, which fail rather miserably), they have used the low budget to their advantage - they are not afraid to make things that look a bit fake in order to capture the silent-movie look and feel. They have also avoided the often dangerous task of modernising the story for a contemporary audience (although someone else is doing precisely that, with Tori Spelling, no less), and have instead embraced the anachronisms, and remained very faithful to the story (er, at least I assume so, having obviously not read it - see my preview).

The music is amazing. It is a big symphonic score, precisely matching the on-screen action, and it just blew me away. It's rare that music in a movie has such a big effect on me, but I guess that given that the movie is otherwise silent, the music is more in-your-face than usual. There are some moments that are quite scary, especially a scene involving a police raid on a cult gathering in a swamp. While the imagery is quite disturbing at this point, I can also imagine closing my eyes and being equally frightened by the haunting tunes. Actually I'd probably be more frightened as I wouldn't be able to see what was happening and my imagination would go crazy from the aural bombardment.

Mental Note: keep eyes open

If you are a fan of gothic horror, silent film, or the beauty of low-budget film making, seek this movie out. If you can see it on the big screen, great, otherwise get the DVD and turn it up LOUD.

Apparently some people genuinely believe in and worship Cthulhu, but then people like blood sausage too. People are morons.

$$$$1/2

The Witches Hammer

Director: James Eaves
Starring: Claudia Coulter, Johnathan Sidgwick, Stephanie Beacham
Production Budget: Unknown (small)
Running Time: 93 min

A young woman is killed, then genetically modified into a vampire by government scientists and forced to work in their vampire slaying department. When her agency is destroyed by vampires and witches, she hooks up with a different set of witches to find an ancient tome called Malleus Maleficarum or, in English, The Witches' Hammer (what do you know, I was right about the bad grammar in the title) before the bad guys get it. This main story is interspersed with the back-stories of a number of the supplementary characters, and the story of the book itself.

A fanboys wet dream, this movie has it all: vampires, witches, demons, ninjas and circus freaks. The producers are obviously big fans of Buffy, Highlander and Blade.

There isn't much new here. It very much resembles an early episode of Buffy, with special effects to match. Coulter is effective in the main role, being tall, athletic and sexy, and Stephanie Beacham adds some class as the head witch. There are a few inventive set pieces, and a clever torture scene involving a vampire and a sun-bed, and the back-stories look nice.

A few things don't make sense, like at the beginning of the film I am sure she was attacked by a vampire. Why then, was it necessary to genetically modify her into a vampire? Anybody? Also, while it is admirable to incorporate historical facts into the movie, it's a little odd that the Witches' Hammer is this movie is a handbook for witches, when the actual Malleus Maleficarum was a witch-hunters handbook. This is the kind of thing the Buffy crowd are going to pick up on. I feel sorry for the director and actors if they ever find themselves at a science fiction convention.

Least. Historically. Accurate. Movie. Ever.

Not a bad effort, but the concept is perhaps a bit ambitious, and the small budget does hurt (did I just say that?). It lacks the wit of Buffy, but people who are into that kind of thing will find plenty to like here.

$$1/2

Bloodbath - Aftermath

Urgghhgghhh...

That is the best description I can come up with for how I felt at 2:30 this morning after 30 hours sitting in a dark theatre in a small, non-ergonomic chair watching low-budget horror, martial arts and conspiracy movies. I'm still a little dazed, but I figure I should get some thoughts out there before the blood dries.

Some of the movies were great, some bad, some really bad and some downright bizarre. The reason I hadn't heard of most of the movies was that many were ultra-low budget labours of love for their respective makers, and many haven't had a cinematic run of any consequence and are not even available on DVD. A few of the directors were on hand to discuss their films, and freely shared their experiences of the nightmare that is independent film-making. These Q&A sessions were a highlight.

Unfortunately for the organisers and the film-makers, not many people turned up, with the audience ranging from about 40 people to as few as 4 (sounds like the average readership for this website). There were a few technical glitches over the weekend, and I was disappointed that so many of the movies were shown on DVD rather than on proper film. Projecting standard definition DVDs onto a large screen looks blurry, unlike film which, even if a little scratched, gives a much more defined picture. But I understand that film prints are expensive, and given the nature of many of these movies, it was just not an option.

The focus of this festival was definitely on recent, independent, British films, and while interesting, I would have liked a couple of more crowd pleasers (of the evil, bloody, limb hacking kind) and some genuine scares (e.g. horror), which were rare. The scariest moment of the weekend was walking the 2km home through the back-streets of Bristol through a gale at 2:30 this morning.

Reviews of each of the feature-length movies will follow over the next couple of days. I'm looking forward to sharing some of the gems, as some of these movies deserve an audience. It will become clear, however, that some probably don't.

And you should probably ignore my preview, as I wasn't even close.

Time for your bloodbath, Easyl. Part III

All good movies have three acts. For some the final act brings the joy of completion, like inserting the final few pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. For others, it just brings the relief that this piece of crap will soon be over.

By Sunday's bath I'll be a bloody prune. Let's see what's on.

12pm - Intergalactic Combat
Pretty straight forward, this one. Earthlings battle creatures from another planet. I suspect those creatures from another planet to be human sized but apparently made out of rubber and bubble wrap. I also expect there to be a blonde woman in a miniskirt and boots, and men in tight monochrome jumpsuits waving blasters about. It should be a, um, blast.

2pm - Albert Fish
Now this is a toughy. Is it about a fish called Albert, a guy who's last name happens to be Fish, or is it an instruction to someone named Al to get his rod out? I'd love it to be the last one, especially if it was really all a dirty pun, but I'm going to have to guess:

Albert is an unassuming guy who lives by himself and has a dull office job. One day he finally gets up the courage to ask out his beautiful co-worker - who he has had a crush on for two years - and he gets brutally rejected, to the amusement of everyone else in the office. He decides to end it all in the most clichéd way of all; by jumping off a bridge. Things don't go exactly as planned as Albert is rescued by a passing Mermaid, who magically and sexily turns him into a Merman, and what a Merman! Meanwhile, up on the surface, nobody really notices or cares that Albert is gone. There are some kooky special effects, and it's pretty obvious that all of the underwater scenes are just done with fans, but it is an enjoyable fantasy, with a genuine emotional core.

4pm - The Uncanny
The title is clearly not a complete phrase. What is the missing noun? Maybe that is the mystery of this movie, or maybe the producers just really liked the Uncanny X-Men comics but didn't want to get sued. I'll go for the later and expect to see a story of mutants with strange powers, but much darker and messier than anything the X-Men can come up with. I think tentacles are a pretty good bet, along with extra eyes, and maybe a seven-assed monkey.

6pm - Chain Reaction
Hmmm... I have a feeling this is a science fiction movie with Keanu Reeves and Morgan Freeman. Hopefully I'm wrong and it is a completely different movie, maybe one based on the John Farnham song, Chain Reaction. Actually, now that I think about it, that song has horror movie written all over it:

One shot in a revolution
One drop from a poison pen
One fruit too small and bitter
One tree too proud to bend
One man to start the trouble
One kiss to seal your fate

I got a fever, a fever in my soul
No I don't want to die
Before I get old
It took some time just to bring me here
Nobody's gonna put me down
Do I make myself clear

I've got trouble, trouble in my life
And I've been living
On the edge of a knife
But I don't intend to let you down
I'm gonna give you love
Before I hit the ground

One cruel and callous lover
One blow below the belt
One chance without another
One heart too cool to melt
One kid that needs some action
One link in a chain reaction

Knives, poison, chains, blows below the belt. I'm really looking forward to this now.

8pm - Room 36
Intriguing. The tag-line reads:

Room 35 is nice, Room 37 is a bit drafty but otherwise OK, while Room 36 is a little uncomfortable.

Banned for 17 years, it has only recently been released in its full, uncut glory (although this is not entirely true as this movie is full of cuts; cuts with razors, axes, chainsaws, a very sharp scalpel etc). If there are no graphic torture scenes in this movie I am going to be very disappointed.

10pm - The Silencer
It could be about a gun, but I'm tipping it's about an assassin.

Jack Bradshaw is the popular governor of an unnamed mid-western U.S. state. While publicly espousing moral values and conservative ideals, he secretly spends his nights cruising for young gay men that he uses to fulfil his uncontrollable and often bizarre sexual desires. There is no way, however, that this secret can ever be made public, so when he has done his business with these men, he hands them over to... The Silencer.

11:40pm - A Surprise Screening
I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise by telling you what this one will be about, even if I am full of crap.

Well, that's it for my stupid made-up preview of the Bloodbath Horror Festival in Bristol. It's on at the Cube Cinema this Friday, Saturday and Sunday (November 24-26 2006).

I'll be back soon with some genuine, truthful (but probably still stupid) thoughts on the 15 movies I plan to see this weekend.

Time for your bloodbath, Easyl. Part II

Check out Part I if you are wondering what the hell is going on.

On to Saturday's Bloodbath in Bristol.

12pm - The Pit and the Pendulum
This is obviously a filmed version of the classic Atari video game Pitfall!. I remember it fondly. The film-makers weren't able to secure the movie rights from Activision, so they had to change the name. It's pretty obvious, though, that they've copied most other aspects of the game, as it is just 90 minutes of a guy running along in a straight line jumping over pits and snakes and swinging over alligator infested ponds, just to collect piles of gold and silver. The Pendulum part of the title describes the hypnotic swinging ropes that populated this classic game, and the Pit is, well, I'll move on. Unfortunately, this movie was directed by Uwe Boll, the German director of such "classic" video game adaptations as Alone in the Dark, House of the Dead and BloodRayne, all fully entrenched in the IMDB all time bottom 100 movies.

2pm - Darklands
This is not the most descriptive title I've come across, so I'll just make up a movie that I'd like to see:

The world is in eternal darkness. Demons roam the land, dragons rule the sky and all people are enslaved, except a small group who remain hidden, living underground, scavenging what they can. A young woman with special powers and a leather G-string may be the only one who can bring the world back to the light. Can she find the magic sword that can unleash her powers, and can she keep her top on for more than five minutes? All is revealed, and I mean all.

4:30pm - Boy Meets Girl
OK, I'm tipping this has lots of sex in it. After all, how can you have a weekend of horror, cult and exploitation movies without at least something with lots of sex in it? I'm sure there will be a story of sorts, but who cares because this one has lots of sex in it.

8:30pm - Left for Dead
Time for a revenge movie:

Kerry is a slightly geeky teenager living in middle America. One night she is hit by a car full of High School boys out on a drunken binge. They drive off leaving her unconscious and bleeding. She is saved by a passing cyclist, but spends the next five years in hospital rehabilitating. No one is ever charged for the hit-and-run, because that's the kind of thing that you get away with in a small town when you are the quarterback of the local football team and your daddy is the mayor. She knows who they are, however, and it's not long before all involved start dropping dead in the most unusual of circumstances. Notable for early performances by Naomi Watts and Matthew McConaughey.

10:30pm - Dark Intruder
I thought about going down the route that this was some kind of KKK propaganda film ending with an almighty lynching, but that's going a little too far. So how about this:

In the vane of classic slasher flicks like Halloween and Friday the 13th, this sees a quiet Denver suburb terrorised over one night by a knife wielding maniac dressed entirely in black. The only distinguishing feature is that the arse cheeks have been cut out of his trousers (in Sweden it had the alternate title Full Moon). Strangely there was no Dark Intruder 2, 3 or Freddy vs Dark Intruder.

That's it for Saturday's programme. One day's B.S. to go, then I might have some actual information to impart.

Time for your bloodbath, Easyl. Part I

I mentioned in an earlier post that I am planning to go to the Bloodbath Horror Festival in Bristol this coming weekend. Now that the full festival programme is out and there are only four sleeps to go, I can practically taste the blood.

I checked out the programme, and was shocked/pleased to note that I know nothing about any of the films being shown. Nothing about the stories, nothing about the directors, the actors, or when or where they were made. So I thought the best thing to do was to go for a bit of IMDB research on each of the films and write a brief preview, so any of the (2, possibly 3) people who regularly visit this site can share my anticipation.

But then I changed my mind. Screw that! I like not knowing anything about these movies, I'm excited to go to the festival completely blind, and take it as it comes.

So instead of a well researched preview of the Bloodbath Horror Festival, I'm going to do the classic judge a book by its cover. So here is my impression of each film, taken solely from the title, followed by a brief, completely made-up summary and review.

I'll start with the Friday session, and move onto Saturday and Sunday over the coming days.

7:30pm - The Witches Hammer
I have an inkling that this is some sort of classic, but I haven't a clue about it. I'm going to assume that the grammar is correct and Hammer is the name of the Witches rather their property (otherwise it would be called The Witch's Hammer or The Witches' Hammer). So here goes:

Three girls, Betty, Jane and Esmerelda Hammer, are bored teenagers who start meddling with the dark arts. Pentagrams, magic circles, animal sacrifice and frequent nudity ensues. Meanwhile, the school principal gets suspicious when the school mascot, Buttman the Goat, goes missing. Atmospheric in parts, but largely disappointing.

9:30pm - The Call of Cthulhu
I actually know that this is based on the novels of H.P. Lovecraft, and I reckon there is some kind of monster in it. How about:

Made in 1965, this movie uses the threat of a large monster terrorising a small U.S. community as a metaphor for the cold war, e.g. the lurking beast only comes out at night, when it's cold, just like those filthy commies. Beautifully filmed in black and white, this is a chilling movie which is as relevant in the post 9/11 world as when it was made.

10:45pm - The Mask of Fu Manchu
This one is pretty self-explanatory. There is an mask that belongs or belonged to an oriental gentleman. I'm going to go with belonged, and make this a Film Noir:

An ancient Chinese artifact is stolen from Metropolitan Museum in New York, and a series of bizarre murders follow. Starring B-actor Jonathon West as P.I. Jack Cramble, and Chinese superstar-turned Hollywood also-ran Ping Kai as femme fatale Missy Ho, this is more a detective story than a fully fledged horror, although there are a few nasty surprises. There is also a long and beautifully filmed chase sequence through the sewers of New York that strongly references Carol Reeds The Third Man, although it has an altogether different and more horrific conclusion. It is quite nicely shot, mostly outdoors on location at night, in deep fog. It is, however, let down by the wooden acting, and not your soft kind of wood like balsa, but more an ancient hardwood that has fallen, down, been buried by volcanic ash and turned to stone. West in particular is just bloody awful.

Here ends the Friday session and Part 1 of my made-up preview to the Bloodbath Horror Festival.

Feel free to mock me and/or make up your own preview. Just don't tell me what really happens.

Hey Borat! Show me the money!

So I went and saw Borat yesterday. This is a very funny movie and I was intending to do a glowing review. A clever movie filmed on virtually no budget, documentary style, just the kind of thing I love. Imagine my horror, when, in the course of my online research, I find out that 'virtually no budget' is actually US$18M. I am outraged.

Some movies are lauded as $5M movies that look like they cost $20M. Well, here's a movie made for $18M that looks like it cost $100,000.

Let's just see if we can work out where all that money went.

Sets: zero (it is filmed entirely on location in Romania and the U.S.A.)
Cast: 3 credited (all other people on screen are real people, reportedly unpaid)
Special effects shots: 1 (a black bar over Sacha Baron Cohen's willy). FX crew: 1
Costuming: Borat wears the same suit (never washed) throughout the movie
Bears: 1

The previous weeks highest grossing movie in the US, Saw III, cost $12M, has a cast of 27, complex, specially built sets and an 11 man visual effects crew. That sounds like pretty good value. Admittedly it didn't have any bears in it, as far as I know.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it is really expensive to make a movie look this cheap. I can't really see why, though - surely the easiest way to make something look cheap, is to make it with very little money. Certainly, if the entire thing was a setup, it would have cost a fortune to stage. However, given the publicity surrounding the 'victims' of Borat and subsequent litigation it is pretty clear that the majority of the film was not setup.

I can only think of one cost the could blow the budget out that high. Wages.

I have one word for Mr. Baron Cohen... percentages. If you are the creative force behind a movie project, or any kind of big star, have enough confidence in your success to take minimal payment upfront, and a percentage of profits.

Another possibility is that the production budget included a large war-chest to fund the inevitable lawsuits that followed the release of this film, à la Google's Youtube purchase. I doubt it, though, and that doesn't count as a 'production' cost anyway.

Regardless, I can't and I won't review this movie, as much as I'd love to.

Even though Borat has passed $100M at the box-office, I just hope they realise that by not making this movie for less than $10M they will be missing out on the significant revenue that would have been generated through a full review on this site. According to Google Analytics, there have been 11 unique visitors in the past week, not including Meatpopsicle and myself. That's right, 11, Mr. Greedy Baron Cohen. Think about that next time you make a 'low-budget' movie.

Dust Devil

Director: Richard Stanley
Starring: John Matshikiza, Robert John Burke, Chelsea Field, Rufus Swart
Production Budget: £4,300,000
Running Time: 103 min

The last film in the Compass of Horror, was, oddly, North, considering the movie shown was 1992's Dust Devil, made by a South African in Namibia. Not to worry, as it was a fine end to a great festival.

The titular Devil is a shape-shifting spirit who takes the form of an American nomad (Burke), wandering the desert roads of Namibia around the end of South African 'administration'. He finds lost souls - the lonely and unloved - and rather violently puts them out of their misery, usually after fulfilling their and his immediate sexual desires. Wendy (Field) is one such soul. Having run off from her husband, she picks up a hitchhiker who, while charming at first, turns out to be the previously mentioned psycho killer. Meanwhile, the local police are on the lookout for a serial killer with the help of the local shaman/drive-in movie manager, and Wendy's husband is looking for his wife.

Filmed on location in Namibia, Dust Devil is slow moving yet riveting. There is not much to the story itself - with a mystical element added to the traditional serial killer/slasher flick/road movie formula - and the acting is reasonably good, but the visuals are fantastic. There are some nice shots of long, straight desert roads, and Stanley makes great use of the heat haze that sits over the desert. There is also an amazing scene set in an abandoned mining town, half buried in sand. There are only a couple of scenes that could be considered horror per se, mostly centering on Wendy's attempts to escape from the Devil. The tension, however, is well maintained throughout, and the Dust Devil is well crafted bad guy. It cuts nicely between the three competing story lines, following Wendy, the police, and the husband at different points. The ending is also clever, with a bit of a twist that I wouldn't have seen coming, except that some academic spoiled it for me in a lecture on psychoanalysing movies the previous evening. If I ever see him again, I'll give him something to psychoanalyse.

The film includes elements referencing the end of apartheid, and the effect this had on not only the South Africans, but the people of Namibia, which was administered by South Africa during this period. Scenes invoking the after-effects of South African politics include the beating of a white man in a bar full of black men (they just can't trust him, even though he means no harm), and the beating of a black man by a couple of white policemen. The pull-out of troops enlivens the final scene of the movie.

I can't recall seeing many movies set in southern Africa. There is The Gods Must Be Crazy and that's about it. A location can have such a big impact on the feel of a movie, and Dust Devil is all about the location. This gives the movie a uniqueness, when it otherwise could have been just another horror/road movie.

After the movie, Richard Stanley and critic Kim Newman had a panel discussion, with Stanley giving some great and some bizarre answers to audience questions. He described spending a night painting mystical drawings on a wall with pig's blood in order to get one of the classic shots in the film. He also described his relationship with the druids (they won't let him in their stone circles because he won't wear white), and his sister (he genuinely expects her to be murdered for her continued belief in Apartheid). He also explained why he was booted off/quit the remake of The Island of Dr. Moreau, that he had written and had started shooting before John Frankenheimer took over. He thinks the reason is that the movie he wanted to make would be too extreme for a mass audience, yet the budget was such that a mass audience was needed to recoup costs, and the producers got scared. Also, he's not allowed to make any more movies in Namibia, even though he'd love to, because the government has a thing against sex and violence. Apparently for his next movie, he's moving on to Canary Islands sex and violence, for a project called Vacation, which sees an American couple stuck in the Middle East when a nuclear war begins.

This may be the last time this film gets shown in a cinema, as Stanley is donating his copy of the print to the BFI archives, which is a shame, because the scope of this film is such that it really shines on the big screen. Unlike End of the Wicked, oh man, did I mention how crap that was?

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End of the Wicked

Director: Teco Benson
Starring: Charles Akafor, Hilda Dokubo, Alex Usifo
Production Budget: US$50,000
Running Time: ~100 min

The Nigerian film industry (Nollywood, seriously) is one of the biggest producers of feature films in the world. Nearly all of their films are produced on video, and are therefore called video-film. Why have we westerners never heard about this industry, and why do these films not cross-over to the western cinema audience, as occurs with the occasional Bollywood and Iranian movie? The Nigerian video-films are nearly all in English, even. But you won't see this movie at your local video store, cinema or T.V. channel. You won't even see it on the IMDB (so therefore it doesn't exist, right?). How come?

Well, I could go into the rather extreme cultural differences between us and them so-to-speak, and how the traditions in storytelling and Nigerian superstitions do not translate well. But I couldn't really be bothered, so I'll leave that to other, more understanding critics (like this , the only other review I could find). I'm just going to rail into it, because I think is that this movie sucks, badly.

There is a story. Chris Amadi has a good life. He is prosperous and has a loving family. There is just one problem, his mother is really a witch named Lady Destroyer. She begs the devil to destroy him and his families. I couldn't exactly work out why she did this, but I think it was something to do with him being happy and successful, and witches can't stand that kind of thing. So Chris' life starts falling to pieces, his son becomes one of the devils minions, his business falls apart, people close to him start dying, and in desperation he seeks help through black magic. Bad idea. His wife, on the other hand, seeks solace in Jesus Christ, and things turn out OK for her.

"This film is coming to you by the special grace of God. There have been several near successful attempts by the powers of darkness to stop it, because of its great expositions" - Opening credits, End of the Wicked.

I can forgive poor production values; Nigeria is a third world country with many poor people, and no government support for the arts. The special effects are outrageously bad, and sometimes truly hilarious, especially the flying scenes, where you can clearly see that the guy is lying on a bench. The acting is actually OK, in a pantomime kind of way. However this movie is not just badly made, it is a misguided piece of religious propaganda.

The first half an hour or so are quite fun, in a 'this is so bad it's funny' kind of way. The scenes in the witches coven (which are genuinely supposed to be terrifying) are particularly funny, with the witches dancing around (seductively, according to the devil's instruction) and laughing manically except when the devil (frequently) raises his arm to speak. The soundtrack for these scenes consists of a chorus of people crying 'woooooooooo... woooooooooo... wooooooooooooooooo', you know, like you used to do to scare your little sister. But once I grew tired of these scenes, which are basically the same scene over and over again I got bored, and then I got concerned at the in-your-face religiousness of it, gaped at the mother producing a giant penis with which to rape her daughter-in-law and then they cut a goats throat on screen and I pretty much gave up on it from there. There is no motivation for anything that happens (money, power, sex, surely everything in life is related to one of these), it is simply that these witches are bad people and they like bad stuff to happen to other people.

This movie was not disturbing like other horror films can be, but I was disturbed. It appeared to be an attempt to perpetuate myths and superstitions among an uneducated population to scare them into going to church. Or was it? It all became a bit clearer and scarier when the producer of the film, Evangelist Helen Ukpabia spoke following the screening. Those opening credits weren't some ironic joke, of the 'this is based on a true story' kind. No, she actually believes this stuff, and is intent on showing true representations of the effects witchcraft can have on families in Nigeria. So, it is 'based on a true story' but without the irony. Suffice to say I'm staying the hell away from Nigeria.

If you are truly interested in an unusual cultural experience, well I suppose you could do worse. After all, female circumcision is an unusual cultural experience.

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Ginger Snaps

Director: John Fawcett
Starring: Emily Perkins, Katharine Isabelle, Chris Lemche, Mimi Rogers
Production Budget: US$5 million
Running Time: 108 min

They Don't Call it the Curse for Nothing

Ginger (Isabelle), 16 and Brigitte (Perkins), 15 are inseparable sisters who live in the dull Canadian suburb of Bailey Downs, well, dull apart from the 'Beast of Bailey Downs' which has been tearing apart the local dog population. They hate the world, and they cannot stand the idea of growing up and being like everybody else (they have had a suicide pact since they were seven). For their school project they stage and photograph violent death scenes.

They are out in the woods one full moon when Ginger gets her first period. The blood draws the attention of a certain 'beast' which proceeds to savage Ginger, who quickly recovers - a little too quickly - but is not quite the same from then on. Obvious changes such as hair where their wasn't any, and a tail that grows longer each day combine with psychological changes such as a sudden interest in boys to put a strain on Ginger and Brigitte's relationship. The death of the local bitches (one dog, one girl) doesn't help matters. Things draw to a head as the next full moon approaches.

"It's a metaphor you see, for being horny." Sid Greenfield - Chef Aid: The South Park Album

This movie wears it's metaphor on it's sleeve. Blood, hair, libido, uncontrollable rage - it's par for the course for a teenage girl, and here it's all wrapped in up in a snarling beast, with breasts.

The performances from the leads are good. Perkins sulks her way through the whole film, while Isabelle transforms from boy-hating virgin to slut to beast with ease. The supporting cast are pretty forgetful, apart from Mimi Rogers who is fun in her role as the girls' ever-optimistic mother.

The special effects are pretty cool for such a low budget film. There is no extended transformation scene such as in An American Werewolf in London, A Company of Wolves or The Howling, but this movie concentrates more on relationships and diallogue than over-the-top effects. The werewolf itself is a little odd looking (did I mention it has breasts) but effective, and the last ten minutes are suitably creepy to mark this as a genuine horror film.

Ginger Snaps is funny, scary and nicely directed, and it make you wonder why no-one previously thought to link werewolves and their lunar cycles with girls and their menstrual cycles. It was obviously a good enough idea that two sequels were produced; Ginger Snaps Unleashed, which follows the events in the first movie, and Ginger Snaps Back, an alternate universe type sequel set in the 19th century. I saw Unleashed a couple of years ago without realising it was a sequel, and still liked it, and I'm keen to see the third.

After the movie, they showed the short documentary Menstrual Monsters: The Ginger Snaps Trilogy, a somewhat interesting dissection of the themes in the films, although it had what I thought was a rather pointless audience survey portion at the end, which came to the obvious conclusion that girls generally like it and think it has feminist themes. The panel discussion with director John Fawcett and the makers of Menstrual Monsters had some interesting moments - apparently the Americans hated Ginger Snaps, while the Brits loved it - although way too much time was spent talking about feminist themes and lesbian subtexts, when they could have been talking about why they put breasts on the werewolf. Actually, I guess that's all part of the same thing.

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